I literally have not looked at myself in the mirror for any length of time longer than quick glances while brushing my teeth for the last three years. I can't handle it.
and by all accounts I'm very attractive! brain doesn't care though. I have to see what other people don't. and what I see makes me want to lay down and cry.
I have been seriously contemplating giving up on my body. there's so much about it that makes me unhappy and any attempt to fix it has just ended up with me incredibly frustrated.
I'm wondering if it's even worth it anymore or if I should just give up and try to make the best of it.
thinking about how my consultation was at the very beginning of 2018 and how my surgery date has been pushed back so many times that it's not till 2022 now.
thinking about how a one character typo by their office staff caused a chain reaction that ended up with me having to wait (so far) four years longer than I should have.
thinking about how much I've aged in those years and how my ability to heal has gone into the shitter and how much harder it's going to be now.
when your very-much-not-car-people friends are in way over their heads trying to fix something and are too proud to accept help even when offered repeatedly.
like please let me fix your shit before you break it beyond my ability to save. please. this has been going on for weeks. i'm about to steal your car and fix it for you before you end up with a multi thousand dollar mechanic bill. it was literally a one hour job before all this but who knows now.
I mean that's something I would end up doing even if the filters were adequate but it's the difference between like a dozen data sheets vs who knows how many
I've aged so much in those four years. physically. stuff I could bounce back from no problem before now leaves me in pain for days or weeks. just recently I overstretched my jaw a bit (not even doing something fun) and I couldn't chew or open my mouth wide enough to eat for a week.
healing is kind of a big fucking deal if I'm planning on losing a knife fight.
I don't want to deal with this anymore.
I can not even describe the degree to which this alone has absolutely obliterated my mental health over the last four years. in 2017 I was hopeful and happy for the first time in my life. now I constantly debate myself over whether it's even worth it to keep trying or if I should just give up on my body entirely and just rot.
i think a fucking Phenomenally powerful trans experience is exploring things classically associated with ur agab from a transitioned space and i think it really fucking sucks that cis ppl (and an uncomfortable amount of binary trans ppl) make this something we're terrified 2 talk about because it will be used as evidence that we're fake trans
the most frustrating part is I could fix it by myself in a couple days with knowledge I already possess if only they would let me. all I need is for them to let me at it and the problem goes away. the lapses that lead to it being a problem in the first place will still be there but that's a much bigger problem to tackle.
fighting to get stuff changed in a big bloated corporate entity is a fucking SLOG. I've been working on this one issue for months and now someone is changing departments and I basically have to start over with someone new. I gave them a years worth of notice and now we only have a few months left with almost no movement. UHG
I'm gonna break this place if it's the last thing I do.
PC build help/advice needed?
I'm finally gonna bite the bullet and get myself a new PC for art and some lightish gaming so uhhhhh what's good these days??
I got a budget of around 1000€, already have a new SDD. I'll be working with some kinda hefty files in Clip Studio Paint and rendering video files.... I'm not looking for maximum gaming performance or hi-fi audio.
maybe someday I'll be able to find forks for it that aren't bent and I can finally put it back together and use it to teach her how to ride. that was the intention three years ago lol
I literally have an entire motorcycle disassembled and on a shelf as well as on top of an entirely different motorcycle. I have a problem.
just one mell! | | 30 | they/them or she/her
i like to go fast and smooch!!
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