see the problem with being told "it's not laziness, it's executive dysfunction and brute force will just make it worse" is it doesn't work on a brain with an extremely deep-seated protestant upbringing coupled with three decades of wholly inextricable self-loathing; being shown compassion makes me resentful of the person showing it and makes me dig deeper, while being treated harshly just makes me agree with the treatment to the point of self-destruction as proof of my agreement
and don't get me wrong, i don't want to be hopeless. *i* want desperately for this to change
i just don't know what knotted-up misfiring part(s) of my brain to cut out of my head to stop unconsciously self-sabotaging and i can't see or find anything short of such extreme measures that would actually do anything after a lifetime of trying quite literally everything else
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